Jokes and Humour Forum

A quick disclaimer;

Before you click on a topic in this section, assume;

The content will be NSFW
You will be offended
The content will be fairly Adults only.

 

damn - i cant find any NSFW stuff in here! I want a refund!

Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women.

They are mixing the Clio and the Taurus, and calling it the "Clitaurus."

It comes in pink and the average male thief won't be able to find it,
even if someone tells him where it is.

 

ok - worked it out..................................

 

Coz i like elephant jokes [ these are taken from another source ]

Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun.
Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
A: Have you ever seen a yellow elephant?
Q: How do you shoot a red elephant?
A: Hold his trunk shut until he turns blue, and then shoot him with the blue elephant gun.

Q: How do you shoot a purple elephant?
A: Paint him red, hold his trunk shut until he turns blue, and then shoot him with the blue elephant gun.

Q: How many elephants will fit into a Mini?
A: Four: Two in the front, two in the back.
Q: How many giraffes will fit into a Mini?
A: None. It's full of elephants.
Q: How do you get two whales in a Mini?
A: Along the M4 and across the Severn Bridge.[1]
Q: How do you know there are two elephants in your refrigerator?
A: You can hear giggling when the light goes out.
Q: How do you know there are three elephants in your refrigerator?
A: You can't close the door.
Q: How do you know there are four elephants in your refrigerator?
A: There's an empty Mini parked outside.

Q: What do elephants have that nothing else has?
A: Baby elephants.
Q: What is gray, has four legs, and a trunk?
A: A mouse going on vacation.
Q: What is brown, has four legs, and a trunk?
A: A mouse coming back from vacation.
Q: What has eight legs, two trunks, four eyes, and two tails?
A: Two elephants.

Q: Why is an elephant big, grey and wrinkly?
A: Because if it was small, white and hard it would be an aspirin.
Q: Why are golf balls small and white?
A: Because if they were big and grey they would be elephants.

Q: What's the difference between an elephant and a plum?
A: Their color.
Q: What did Tarzan say to Jane when he saw the elephants coming?
A: Here come the elephants.
Q: What did Jane say to Tarzan when she saw the elephants coming?
A: Here come the plums; she was color blind.

 

When is a car not a car?
When it turns into a driveway!!!
bawhaha.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

 

Ohhh, look out.. I'm in my element... maybe....

When you're in a hospital, how do you know which one is the head nurse?

Look for the one with dirty knees...

 

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

 

Why do women have small feet?
- So they can get closer to the sink.

Why did the woman cross the road?
- That's not the point, why wasn't she chained to the sink?

Pick the odd one out: a woman, a washing machine, a toaster and a garden hose?
- The toaster, the rest leak if you fuck with them.

 

here's a whole bunch;

http://lukasland.com/humour/Jokes/Sexist.htm

 

A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife hasn't had sex with him for 6 months.
The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her.

So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doc asks her what's wrong, and why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband anymore.

The wife tells him, "For the past 6 months, every morning I take a cab to work. I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' so I take a 'or what'.

When I get to work I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write this down in the book or what?' so I take a 'or what'.

Back home again I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' so again I take a 'or what'.

So you see doc, when I get home I'm all tired out, and I don't want it any more."

The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, "So are we going to tell your husband or what?"

 

A man marries a young woman and they are deeply in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm so they decide to ask a sex therapist for advice.

The therapist listens to their story and makes the following suggestion; "Hire a strapping young man and while the two of you are making love have the young man wave a towel over you, as though he is fanning you both. Make sure he is totally naked and she can see his manhood as he fans you both with the towel. That will help your wife fantasise, and should bring on a full-blown orgasm."

They go home and follow the therapist's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he strips off and enthusiastically waves a towel over them both as they make love. But it doesn't help and still the wife is unsatisfied and frustrated. Perplexed, they go back to the therapist. "Okay" he says, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."

Once again, they follow the advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The hired hand really works with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, screaming, orgasm.

Smiling, the husband drops the towel, taps the young man on the shoulder and says to him triumphantly.... "Now THAT'S how you wave a f..king towel, son!!"

 

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy.

Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anaesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.

Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. 'I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!'

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him:

'I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself.'

'The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood because she had had the same procedure done some time ago.'

'And what about the third rose ?' she asked.

'That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.'

 

Once upon a time, a guy asked a beautiful girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The End

 

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature."
"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955."
She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!" She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, and panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

 

The Krudd Stimulus Plan.....

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence in Yarralumla. One is from Canberra , another from Melbourne , and the third one is from Sydney. All three go with a Labor official to examine the fence.
The Canberra contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works out some figures with a pencil. “Well”, he says, “I figure the job will run to about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me”.
The Melbourne contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says “I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me”
The Sydney contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the government official and whispers “$2,700”.
The government official, incredulous, says “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?’
The Sydney contractor whispers back “$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the bloke from Melbourne to fix the fence”.
“Done!” replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how the stimulus plan will work.

 

ooooooooooooh hahahahhaha i like this one!!! Im so going to hell for laughing at this one!!


What's the difference between white fairy tales and black fairy tales?

• White fairy tales starts, "Once upon a time....." Black fairy tales starts, "Yo, you motherfuckers ain't gonna believe this shit....."

• (why do i read the last bit in a Samuel L. Jackson voice?)

 

Smooth moves!

 

What is the difference between 'hard' and 'light'?

Most guys can still get to sleep with a light on.