Jokes and Humour Forum

Seriously Gold.

 

That's so old

 

And your point? There isn't an age limit on jokes unless you know different to me [MENTION=43996]Zan[/MENTION]?

 

No, I just thought that in this site there would a lot of newer jokes, not oldies like me.

 

Classic .. at least I'm not the only one to walk up to someone else's car thinking it was mine ... At least I don't carry a huge handgun lol. I feel so much better now. lol

 

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology, which was explaining the phenomenon of mixed emotions.

The husband turned to his wife and said, “That is an absolute bunch of crap. I bet you can’t tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.”

She then said, “Out of all your friends, you have the biggest penis.”

 

You knew sooner or later these would come out....

Roses are red,
Violets are glorious,
Don't try to surprise
Oscar Pistorius.

She didn't notice Oscar sneaking up behind her.
It was the silence of the limbs.

Oscar Pistorius. Not the first South African with a race problem.

When Oscar Pistorius said he wanted to be just like able bodied
athletes, who knew he meant OJ Simpson?

Absolutely shocking news from South Africa.
White man arrested for murder.

Oscar Pistorius. Just because he has no legs doesn't mean he's
unarmed.

Surely Oscar Pistorious can't be the first man to wake up legless on
Valentines day and shoot all over the missus while imagining she's
someone else!

I take it Oscar Pistorius's girlfriend bought him shoes for
Valentines.

What do you call a room full of dead people?
An Oscar Pistorius surprise birthday party.

Oscar Pistorius has an incredible record of wins to his name.
Six gold medals, four silver medals and one argument.

A young woman is dead, the life of up and coming athlete, Oscar
Pistorious, is ruined, and people are already making jokes about it.
That's prosthetic... i mean pathetic.

I think it's safe to say that Oscar Pistorius won't be getting his
leg over tonight.

And the Oscar goes to...
Prison.

 

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?" Murphy said "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat".
The priest said "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"
Murphy replied "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all".
With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in hell, eh?"
Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat".

 

The last four ex-U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they whirled to OZ. They finally make it to the Emerald City and came before the Great Wizard.

"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD OF OZ?"

Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly:" I've come for some courage."

"NO PROBLEM!" says the Wizard. "WHO IS NEXT?"

Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well........., I.......I think I need a brain."

"DONE" says the Wizard. "WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ?"

Up stepped George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart."

"I'VE HEARD IT'S TRUE!" says the Wizard. "CONSIDER IT DONE."

There is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

"Is Dorothy here?"

 

IF you find gold in a gold mine and copper in a copper mine, where do you find silver?

Under the lone rangers arse.

 

A man went to the doctor's office to ask for a triple dose of Viagra. The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a triple dose. "Why not?" asked the man. "Because it's not safe" replied the doctor. "But I need it really bad" said the man. "Well, why do you need it so badly?" asked the doctor. The man said, "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, my ex-wife will be here on Saturday and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I've got to have a triple dose!?"

The doctor finally relented saying "All right, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects".

On Monday afternoon the man dragged himself into the doctor's office... his right arm in a sling.

The doctor asked "Good god! What happened to you?" The man said "No one showed up"..

 

[TABLE="align: center"][TR][TD]ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT!!!

Two businessmen in a new shopping mall.....


were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop...

As yet, the shop wasn't ready,
with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other,
"I bet any minute now some pensioner
is going to walk by,
put their face to the window,
and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth
when, sure enough,
a curious old woman walked to the window,
had a peek, and in a soft voice asked,

"What are you selling here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically,
"We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old dear said,

“Must be doing well...
Only two left!."

Lesson here: Don't mess with old people ! ! !
[/TD][/TR][/TABLE]



UNCLASSIFIED

 

A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church. He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments. He hears a Priest come in. "Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be". The Priest replies "Get out, you idiot. You're on my side".

 

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a
local Bar...

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while ‘the lights
would turn off.’

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers ...

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, ‘May I please
use the restroom?

The bartender replied, ‘OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in
there wearing only a fig leaf.’

‘Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,’ said the nun ... So the bartender showed the nun to the back of
the restaurant.

After a few minutes, the nun came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud
round of applause!

She went to the bartender and said, ‘Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just
because I went to the restroom?’

‘Well, now they know you’re one of us,’ said the bartender, ‘Would you like a drink?’ ... ‘No thank you, but,

I still don’t understand,’ said the puzzled nun.

‘You see,’ laughed the bartender, ‘every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out ...


Now, how about that drink?’

 

The Priest and the Rabbi


A Priest and a Rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the Priest turned to the Rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The Rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."

The Priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the Rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The Priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The Rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The Priest replied, "Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my faith."

The Rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.

Finally, the Rabbi said, "Beats the sh*t out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"